Hey everyone, my name is Will Jerauld. First off, I would like to say thank you to Phil Markoff himself for allowing this platform for all of us, as it has helped so many, and myself with dealing with addiction day to day. I get all of my support online and through this platform, so I am super grateful.
I grew up on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, and had a nonetheless troubling childhood. To sum things up, I am a polysubstance addict of 8 years, beginning at the age of 15, and returning at age 23. I want to share my message because I believe it is important, although it is not as severe as I believe many others have suffered through much worse.
I began my journey of using substances officially at the age of 15, first with Adderall then with cannabis. I technically started using Adderall when I was a child, around 10-11 years old or so, as prescribed by a doctor, and this I believe is what jump started my addictive personality, with myself believing that taking a pill would make things “better”, as it made my symptoms easier to cope with, and I felt a dopamine rush SO young. The dopamine rush is what I believe to be the real key factor. As a young kid, this was engraved into my mind. By 15 though, trying drugs was a curiosity which I’m sure you can relate to as well. It wasn’t peer pressure, but simply my mind questioning what drugs were like. My brain had already adjusted to amphetamine at 15, and then I finally snorted Adderall and smoked weed which would officially start my journey into addiction and trying different drugs.
Throwing things back to my childhood, my mother did ALL she could. Her and my father were married, but my father developed Multiple Sclerosis, Scoliosis, and Osteoporosis by age 43-44 (My memory is quite rough but I briefly remember at age 7-8 him being diagnosed). So try to imagine, a man so important to me, completely rendered useless by these diseases. I witnessed hospital rides, my father passing out on the stairs, collapsing in front of me, etc. I’m not going to get entirely into detail, as it would be too much in writing, but in general, it was a lot for me to bare. Soon after, in 2007, my father died by suicide from a gunshot, in a shed he a built years prior at my old house.
This month is 11 years of his passing.
After that, I proceeded to take my problems into my own hands and throw them away. I didn’t want to have anything to do with the pain it caused me as a child. Growing into an adult, I fully recognized it, but my love for escaping reality was too great and I drew into addiction. At 17, I was using anything I could get my hands on. MDMA, DXM, Ketamine, Alcohol, Opiates of all kinds, abusing my Adderall script (LIKE NO OTHER) shrooms, “acid” (probably 2ci or 2cb) you get the idea. I suffered from abuse that would carry on. And for a time I was perfectly ok with it.
By 2013 I was a full blown addict, couldn’t get to school on time, got in trouble and on probation, and was addicted to DXM full time. I strayed away from opiates because I knew very well about the dangers. But DXM was perfect, I could be by myself and didn’t need anyone, plus it wasn’t really physically addictive. Plus I was drug tested on probation so it was perfect. Anyone that knows the nature of dissociatives knows what I mean. I continued Adderall because of the dopamine rush, I needed that energy. At 18 my mindset was skewed. I was in love with life but only because of drugs and the amazement that I got from them! Boy, would I pay for it.
Skipping through 19-21, as it’s too much to type, my 21st birthday was INSANE. I decided to do away with DXM (I had been addicted for almost 4 years), I landed a full-time job that was serious, so I quit. Quitting DXM was a challenge (even harder than opiates due to the nature of the addiction) But hey! I could still have a good time. I’ll just drink instead! This is my addict mind telling me as I turn 21. How foolish.
21 goes by, blacking out and drinking and barely making it through my job. I have a strong work ethic, and I knew what to do, so I never drank at my job, but afterward, it was game on.
Fast forward to late 2016, I’m drinking away and having a great time. I haven’t taken dissociatives in almost a year, and stimulants for almost 3. But alcohol must be okay, right? Wrong. I knew what I had to do and quit January 3rd, 2017. I suffered through the withdrawals and went to detox. Determined to be sober.
During sobriety, I realized the damage I had done. DXM actually fucked me up! Alcohol and drugs actually screwed me! It was so hard for me to cope. I have Avoidant Personality disorder so I spent time alone, avoiding people, AA meetings and such, for fear of judgment. I just wanted to be accepted. I realized in that time I had a serious problem with trust. I had been let down since my childhood. Trying to cope with this? SO hard.
A year goes by, January 3rd, 2018. Wow! I made it! But no feeling or emotion towards it. Still emotionless with people and very unsympathetic. I left my first girlfriend who was super supportive. TO BE by myself. I wasn’t happy or content with who I am. I hated myself. ALL these things came true once I got sober. The energy level at a stunning 0. I never left my house unless it was for work. When I left, my head was down. I was ashamed of myself. I hated myself, and still do.
February 27, 2018. I turn 23. Wow! I made it to 23! Nothing changed. On vacation from work for the first time but still, have to go back on the 6th. Still, have panic attacks. I think about suicide every day. Is this normal I think? It must not be. But no therapist has taken me seriously. Or maybe I just haven’t told the truth.
I’m sorry to be negative, as my message aims above that. I relapsed on March 1, 2018, it was premeditated. I am sober now as I type this. As alone as I am, as distant or detached as I might be, the message is to carry on. I have gone through hard times, and SO many of you reading this will be doing so having gone through the hardest of times. My message to you and myself is to carry on. Keep in mind I have avoidant personality and schizoid so I am alone most all of the time outside of work. I feel terrible for lapsing, but I trust myself. It’s much different after having spent 14 months of sobriety, but the feeling was great. If I had no responsibility I could easily kill myself on drugs and alcohol. Luckily, it won’t last long but my childhood can’t haunt me forever.
I’m sorry if I carried on too strong with the relapse. Please don’t let it get to you, but a message to yourself to carry on and do good, for relapse is only a lesson. I wish I wouldn’t have given in, but I know better. This time I will reach out and try to talk to others online instead of run away in fear. Please, if anyone wants to talk, I would love to. Anyone at all. Getting sober sucked. But I did it for 14 months then lapsed on phenibut, kratom and finally alc. Please reach out to me, as you yourself are the best support. Talking to people is what keeps me sober. If anyone is struggling with an avoidant personality disorder or Schizoid, hit me up. Being an addict with these disorders is torture.
Relapse wasn’t worth it. Despite my feelings of shame guilt and remorse, and no one being there for me, you can do it. You can stay sober. As I will. This is a mental game we will win. Thank you to Shameless Protocol for letting me post, and I hope someone can message me in response to a hard time. You help me more than you think.
Thank you all.
Will Jerauld
staroula says
How can someone reach out to you?
CG Kid says
You can always send him a private message. I need to find an angel investor to help me with final touches on the mobile app which has been part of my grind. Push notifications make people more engaged with a platform.
But yeah, you can just send him a PM or add him as a friend. Then there’s a chat on the bottom right of a desktop computer.
http://wp46.hostgator.com/~wamhyieu8f0rmembers/willjerauld/
willjerauld says
I sent you a friend request. I actually have been doing decent since March 1st, as I learned a lot from this lapse. Hope alls going well for you and thanks for reading!
kittenmittens says
Hey man, just wanted to let you know I’m rooting for you to stay sober! You did it once and you can most certainly do it again, take it day by day. Hour by hour, minute by minute.