Meth – My story and plans for recovery

Meth Addiction | My Story

This is my story of meth addiction. Let’s start by telling you how I got into this hell. I’m extremely addicted to cocaine, and I’ve used it for two months straight in the beginning of this year. Eventually, I stayed away from it since the middle of February. The craving for cocaine got less, but never went away (drug of choice). A few weeks ago I was so devastated I contacted a friend of us, who is also a dealer.

We were in contact for weeks, and he didn’t get anything he would sell to me. I actually could always rely on the quality. To cut a long story short: the day came, when he finally send me a message, it would happen that day. He sent his best friend over to me. I was nervous the whole day, and I felt happy when I walked up the stairs, into our apartment, literally running into the bathroom, locking myself in and opening the package I got.

I expected a good gram of coke, but what I got was METH. I was in shock. I never saw this substance, never smelled and never touched it. I never intended to use it, because in our circle you are considered cool if you are a “meth-virgin”. I was angry and wrote my dealer a message, he apologized and told me he would take it back. Eventually, I was curious, so I took just a tiny bit of it. I did it, not only because I was curious, but because I saw the same shimmer on my cocaine last time. I wanted to know if it was really what I saw.  I wanted to see if I consumed meth unintentionally the whole time I used coke.

Even that tiny bit of it, made me feel active, communicative and quite happy. It also tore me apart, because this feeling was familiar. I freaked out, and the only thoughts I had were:”I’m a fucking meth addict. I was ALL THE TIME! Oh god… no” I calmed down after a while. Unfortunately, this was my gateway to use it more often. I already suffer from meth addiction, right? I already fucked up, so it wouldn’t matter anymore.

I saved a bit more for myself and brought the rest back to my dealer. I just intended to take the bit and feel a real high and stop after that.

Only five days after I started, I contacted the best friend of my dealer again to get more. I began to use every day. Even when it was a tiny amount from time to time, it would build up a different personality in my mind. Another five days passed and it took control over my usage the first time. It was the first time I got high.

I wanted to stop, I was six days clean, I thought:”I can do it! For myself, my future and my relationship!”. Only a small trigger happened. I fought with my boyfriend, I felt hurt, I couldn’t stand that feeling, and I wanted it to be numb. This was the moment my meth-personality got active. I instantly was more aggressive and also contacted my dealer again. He was pissed at me, because of a little argument we had, but he sends me another contact.

Eventually, I bought more and already had three contacts to get this stuff. That escalated quickly!

WHAT IS METH LIKE?

You feel:

– confident, it feels like every cell in your body has a shield and is filled with confidence

– active, your heart beats more often, you move, you are doing stuff

– no desire for food or sleep (but my stomach would cramp after a certain period of time passed, so I would eat)

– a high urge for sex, orgasms, you literally can’t stop masturbating, and I almost collapsed one time, because I was breathing so heavily

– communicative, you like to talk about yourself, for me: I enjoy listening and caring for other people as well, but only people I like and choose

What are the consequences, withdrawal symptoms?

– a dry mouth, dry skin, I tend to drink a lot of water and sometimes some soda or milk to get some nutrients and calm my stomach down

– either less appetite (because your stomach shrank) or extreme craving for food, binge eating without an end

– extreme tiredness, eat and sleep aaaaand repeat, after my first high I slept for 14 hours straight

– no will to do stuff, you don’t care about yourself, no urge to communicate

– aggression and high irritability, I tend to throw things. Otherwise, I would hurt myself

– strange dreams about the substance; consuming or getting light sleep, sometimes sleeping felt like someone knocked me out (was so deep)

– anxiety, I started to believe something is following me or will kill me, closed eye hallucinations of people dying

WHAT ABOUT THE CRAVING?

You can’t compare it to other cravings. For example, cocaine cravings are an extreme urge to use, you think about it a lot, white powder of any kind would make you nervous. For me, I only felt weird, had racing thoughts, but could shake it off quite good if I wanted to. With meth addiction, it gets progressively worse. First few times you have control, close to zero cravings and after a short time it takes control, makes your mind blackout and you use without hesitating. You turn into a completely different person within seconds.

Also the first few times one line, even a small one was enough. Now I can barely control it, and I always do three lines within 30 minutes. It’s like a ritual. I try to describe the craving:  it feels like my cells are buzzing, my muscles are tense, and I feel pressure in my chest until I use it or use it until I’m high as fuck. You can’t even control your thoughts.

My cravings occur after 3-5 days after last using. (critical time span, easily triggered)

Day 1-3 are quite ok for me, I feel free, happy and like myself again.

You also feel disgusting from the inside out, like you were puking all over yourself. Just eeew.

MY PLANS ON RECOVERY

CG Kid’s video on quitting meth really got me. I almost cried and realized I need to stop my meth addiction as soon as possible before it gets even worse. It’s hard to quit, but possible. On meth I have endless energy, feel good, I’m focused, and I get shit done. I would clean the whole apartment, doing laundry, cook, washing the dishes (…), but also and this may sound strange to some of you, I reflect myself. I feel so good, I can instantly think about activities and things I really want and need. When I’m in this “reflecting mode” I start to write down everything that comes to mind.

I wrote everything down and made a plan with activities which will make me happy and make me stay busy. I will force myself to those things, no excuses, because they will get my dopamine levels up. I planned wisely, and since I already was in withdrawal, I know what I’m capable of doing.

The only problem I see to stay strong is my trigger points. When a trigger is activated and my meth addiction personality kicks in, I barely have control, I can’t stand the feeling and will probably contact my dealer.

Possible solution: taking deep breaths, let time pass, staying busy AND write about those feelings on this site. Fortunately, I have a lot of support on this site, and this will help me stay away from it.

TRIGGER POINTS AND MY ROOT CAUSE OF MY ADDICTIONS

– bad feelings, feeling hurt, sad, overwhelmed, stressed

– to much time to think, thinking about using, picturing myself using

– seeing glass or white powder

– the smell of certain chemicals

– fights, arguments with loved ones

And finally, what’s my root cause for abusing substances?

SELF HATE.

It’s my job to lead people on the path to a healthy lifestyle (eating right and doing sports). This is what I’ve learned, and this is what I love to do. I struggle with depression for almost ten years (it got better and better). I also have other mental health problems, too. The sad thing is, I hate myself this much, I like to hurt myself. I want others to feel good, but not myself. Have work on that, too!

Recovery from meth addiction is possible, even if it will be hard as hell, I will fight my way through that. I will write about my journey and will inform everybody about what helped me.

Stay strong,

much love

Anna 🙂

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Comments

  1. Ellish

    I understand SO much of what you are saying that it is scary. I just wish that people could actually feel the hurt and pain we feel, yet even after reading you story… People will still try Meth as they dont know how deep those feelings are and how bad the addiction is. Yet like a hypocrite I am writing this with my pipe in my hand.😢 My journey is starting as I only came across CG Kids videos today and tears ran! It hit home ….I Will!!!