• queto posted an update in the group Group logo of Loved Ones of AddictsLoved Ones of Addicts 2 weeks ago

    This is sort of long, but I haven’t been able to find a story similar enough for advice. I was wondering if someone could give advice or tell me if I am wrong for doing something.

    Here’s the story. I met this guy (not looking for a significant other), he’s 25-yrs-old. I am 22 yrs old, and finishing my last semester in college. Anyways, I have dated people before, but I have never wanted to be in a relationship with someone other than this guy. In other words, I have never been dependent on a relationship, but we just click so well together. Anyways, we started dating by going to concerts together, couple dinner dates, and just hanging out. He’s great; however, the day after I left for my Christmas break, I received a phone call from his dad that he had overdosed on heroin. I had no clue he even did heroin, but in hindsight the symptoms and signs were there. I then put things together. We never had sex because his sex drive was too low from the drugs (this became an issue at one point and we had a talk about it but he used the excuse that it was never the right “mood”). We were dating for about 3 months and we acted like a couple. At one point, we sat down and talked, and I asked him “why are we not official yet?” He told me he had to figure some things out and get stuff straight with himself before he takes on a relationship. Later on, I figured out it meant get sober, and get his job back on track. Those were the major things. After, a few days in his detox, he called me. He admitted all of that plus he told me he felt bad enough dragging me in already, and he knew a relationship would make him feel even worse for pulling me into it, and he told me he understood if I never wanted to talk to him ever again and if I was angry. I told him I was mad about the lies (which were all drug related in my understanding), but I was willing to keep talking to him as long as he did what he needed to do for himself but also never used me as a co-dependent factor. I said I don’t do well with being held responsible for someone else’s well being. He seemed to understand that perfectly, and wanted to be sober for himself. After that day, I was able to talk to him for a couple more days. We didn’t really talk about his problem that much. It was like just random conversations that were never ending. Anyways, he ended up transferring facilities before christmas. This facility requires 7 days of no communication from the outside. Unfortunately, no meetings were held for 4 days over the holidays because everyone but 1 faculty member was on holiday. He had checked in with 3 other guys, and they all ended up leaving in that time period with drug dealers, but he did not. It was tough for him, but he didnt. He also had a bad pain in his kidneys I think, and he wanted to go to the hospital. Luckily, his dad was able to enter the facility under circumstances, and talked him into staying. He is so proud he is remaining in the facility. The 7 days was over, and he had visitation for 1 hour today. Unfortunately, I am not in the same state because I fly back in tomorrow for school. So I missed it, but his dad went and told me that he is now moving to another facility that is 1.5 hours away from my school. I do not have a car to visit myself, but I also do not know if I am allowed. I know I need to be as unselfish as possible. I also believe he will be restarting his 30 days at the new facility, and then doing an extra 60 days there that he opted for, and maybe half way house. I don’t know the specifics exactly, or how much communication I will have with him in each section. I have been to an Al-anon meeting already though to try to understand everything a bit more, and have done more research. But also, it sounds like he gets out in april, and I will graduate in May. I do not know if I will stay in town or return home afterwards tho. He told me he has always wanted to move out of his city, so maybe he would be open to move out after treatment to where I am for a fresh start, but I do not know if that is advisable. I also do not know exactly if it’s a good idea for us to be together, but I feel like he is doing all this for himself, and I have the philosophy that if you can’t be around someone for the hard stuff then you shouldn’t be around. And I want to be there for him. I think i need overall thoughts on this situation, and future advice on just everything PLEASE.

    Also, this is his 1st relapse. I didn’t know him prior to his first time in rehab, and apparently I have never been around him sober (but we did call and text while he was sober in the detox center). He learned from this experience that he can’t drink alcohol and stay sober from heroin. He has to be totally sober, so I think that’s a big lesson for him to learn.