• Heimrikr posted an update 1 week, 2 days ago

    I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I always kept hoping my mind and body would adjust to sobriety but it hasn’t. My pain is at a record level. I wonder if I’m just being a pussy or if anyone else in my situation would have been hospitalized by now….. Just operating at this level of physical and mental strain has to be inhuman….

    A summation of my pathetic story is that I became addicted to opioids after seeing a pain management clinic for about 4 years. After my divorce and loss of health insurance as I was unemployed at the time, I lost all health treatment. So after several attempts to maintain illicitly and several withdrawals, I cleaned myself up, pushed myself to land a facilities job at a large reputable University in the city, and outperformed almost everyone at my job. However it has taken it’s toll as I was operating on pure rage for a couple months. Now I’m in so much pain after work I’m depressed, miserable and can’t sleep. It takes every ounce of strength I have just to make it to the weekend…

    My daughter and mother all say that I should just find a doc now that I have insurance and get back on meds, but I really don’t want to get physically dependent on a substance again. My pain is already intolerable, I think I’d eat a bullet for sure if I had to pile opioid withdrawal on top of that. Plus I don’t have the energy to pursue a doc for pain meds. Docs now are so damn afraid of the DEA all they want to do is throw some Tylenol at you and collect your insurance money.

    I just don’t know how much longer I can take before I break. Its not a matter of “if” it’s a matter of when at this point. All that’s left is I wonder what will break first. My mind or body….

    • Sounds real rough…I never meddled with opiods…sounds nasty

    • Id agree to seek a doc. And be honest. Express what u just said here. If they disappoint maybe not the right doc. Counciling to get shit off ur chest may help too.
      Pls do everything u can before your daughter losses her daddy for good . much love to u. Msg me anytime

      • Thanks for the kind words. Back in Feb 2018 I had a Grand Mal seizure after not being able to sleep for nearly 5 days. I was carrying groceries up the steps and just collapsed. Woke up to paramedics who carted me off to the hospital for 4 days of testing. No epilepsy, no tumors, no anomalies. Just a seriously depressed broken man. It’s sad because it happened right in front of my 10yr old daughter. She sees that I’m broken and struggling. And it bothers her. And she resents her mother for crushing her father. But the divorce was just a piece of an overall problem. It’s been about 5 years now. I guess I should just sack up and get over it. But it’s more complex than that. She wasn’t just some fling or semiserious girlfriend. I put in over 10 years of blood sweat and tears to keep the marriage together. And she changed into a totally different person. It was like losing a loved one to a tragic sudden death. I keep going for my daughter. But I feel a person can only go for so long surviving for the sake of someone else….

        • I understand the loss. And am sorry for your pain. I had a similar experience when the guy i was w for 12 yrs chose to give up aswell. It took awhile to get over even tho i covered how hard it was. After a good walk one day, i chose to accept life is going to be different and i just have to let go. And i have. I wish you can come to this too one day. The only love that matters is the love for yourself so u can properly show that love to your daughter.

          • It’s not that I’m giving up because I am feeling sorry for myself…. Or clinically depressed. I want to admit defeat and die in peace. Retain some dignity rather than have everyone watch me deteriorate, struggle pathetically, and ultimately fail hard. I don’t think people that you love should have to watch someone slowly suffer to death. It’s traumatic for the suffering and their loved ones. And I feel the day is close. Very close. So close to simply just having nothing left. For the last few years I got by on rage. Now its pure will. My physical reserves ran out long before that. Like driving a car several miles well after the needle hit E on the Fuel gauge. It’s all operating on fumes but sooner rather than later it will break down and cease to function….