• Dissection posted an update 1 week, 4 days ago

    Struggling to stay off meth, can’t sleep, when I do I dream of the shit. Nothing is stimulating enough anymore, I’ve done things that I never thought I could do (morally). Lost job, failing school now, lost the woman I loved to it…. I have only been clean a week but whenever it’s mentioned or someone asks me for a link to it I FLIP OUT internally trying to scheme some way to get myself a shard. I haven’t left my garage in 4 days, I know if I go out I will get something, why I pour my heart out here at 5am to strangers on the internet I dunno I guess at this point I really will try anything to help control this demon.

    But I wonder if I am even worthy after the pure evil I had become while using..

    • Hi. I know you don’t know me. But I just want to tell you something that has helped me. I experienced a trauma and totally lost touch with my body. It’s like I would reach for literally anything to numb me out as to not go back or think about that trauma. It was my body acting to keep me alive the best it knew how at the time. I just happened to reach for the wrong things and got a huge hook in me. I’ve been trying my hardest since 6/16/13. But that was just the beginning of a long journey. You are NOT an evil terrible person. You did what you had to do to survive. Your brain has gotten stuck in that circuit and those are the times I wanted more than anything to stop myself but physically could not. Just know, you are not alone. You’re not a bad person- those things don’t define YOU. You are suffering and your nervous system is trying to keep you alive by telling your brain you need it. You can do this! There is hope. I’m happy to share what has been working for me after trying so hard for so long. Just take away this- you are not a terrible person, you are hurting, you’re fighting your hardest- and you’re not alone. And you are loved.

    • Man I remember those days. It does get better but I needed help personally. I did a lot of AA stuff in early sobriety so I wasn’t alone.