Functioning Full-Blown Addict

Hello world,

I was a functioning addict who is clean now with just over a year of clean time. But this is just a random post mostly to share about myself as a functioning addict and to participate and build the conversation and content on this site, because I think its brilliant and loved CG Kid’s YouTube videos so far.

So I was a heavy user of meth and heroin mostly.  Everything else didn’t have much appeal to me and wasn’t worth the cost and/or risk. However, heroin and meth I used everyday. Sometimes I was slamming it, but not everyday. I smoked both of them for the most part.

I started using in 2013 and just stopped about a year ago. I got arrested and put on probation in mid 2014.  From there on out, I made some changes and everyone thought I was clean. So I am going to share how I used these two class A drugs everyday and at the same time kept a job, girlfriend, and no one in my family or friend circle even suspected I was using.  I didn’t start using until age 22 in 2013, so I knew how to act the part of being clean because I was clean most of my life.

The only time i would interact with anyone else who used drugs is when I would buy more. I met a bunch of people who were fake friends like we all have, but I also met a few people who became good friends of mine.  I could buy drugs from them without being expected to stick around and do anything more than buy it and leave. They liked making the money and i got what i wanted. So the key to being part of society while using is to not hang out with the addict crowd. I wouldn’t tell anyone where I lived.  If you hang out with people who use drugs, more times than not you are setting your self up with disaster.

Another key to it: never drive with drugs.  I would only use in the comfort and safety of my own house, and besides when I bought more, I never drove with it.  Trust me, its near impossible to get in legal trouble that way.

I kept a job the whole time, faked a few urine tests, but luckily had a good job that didn’t care too much about my schedule, just that I got my workload done.  Another key to blending in is don’t ever let drugs be your number one priority.  Put family and a job above getting high and you will be able to have all 3 of those things.  I had money so I didn’t ever have to rob and steal to get high.

Using meth and heroin together, i was able to use one to come down from the other.  So i could make myself sleep when needed and meth could force me to stay awake when i needed.

I felt completely alone on this path.  Like 100% didn’t have a desire to have anyone get to know me, and vice versa.  i wasn’t really into chilling with other addicts after getting arrested, and i felt like i had this great secret like secretly having cancer, and was not the same as everyone else i interacted with. I would spend Friday nights and weekends alone with my two drugs. They made everything okay, it was like they were my two best friends who i hung out with.

When I quit drugs, I did it on my own free will, I didn’t have money for rehab. I just didn’t go buy more this one time when I ran out.  And it sucked for awhile but i stayed busy and thought about my ambitions and goals.

Functioning Addict Finds Fulfillment in Sobriety

So I use to think I was doing well because i was successful in my opinion, and could still get high as much as i wanted as a functioning addict. But let me just say, it was so dumb of me. I wasted so much money on drugs for one. My health was never good, and i never progressed further than just a guy who had a job and survived. The one thing about using drugs is years go by and you might as well have slept the whole year, you got nothing done, saved no money, just got high the whole time.

Now that I have sobered up, I am going to school and have a different higher paying job, nicer apartment, and better relationships with everyone, because I’m not distracted by getting high.  I don’t believe in God, so to me this life is all you get, and what makes it meaningful is relationships with other people.  So I cant waste another day getting high because I don’t want to be that guy who’s 60 and still using meth, smells like garbage, is now disgusting to the opposite sex and has nothing.  At least using at this age i was young and could relate to others my age. But we all know the old man meth head whose a pervert and no one likes. Not gonna be me ever. And I’m doing mixed martial arts at a gym which I’ve always wanted to do but never had time or was using or whatever just never got a chance. Feels really good to be in shape and take a lot of my issues that I’ve numbed with drugs out with boxing gloves or wrestling.

 Of course there are a million stories and experiences in between the lines of this article, but what i wanted to emphasize on with this post, is it didn’t take rehab or jail to quit. I know it’s rare and it’s different for everyone, but i believe it just comes down to how bad you want it. I don’t know why I stopped when I did, but relationships are the number one reason why people relapse, and people stay clean. Since I didn’t have many close relationships of people using, I could quit a lot easier. I was already living the lifestyle to be clean. So just some thoughts that others might find interesting.

Peace

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Comments

  1. King Lewis XIV

    Thanks for sharing your story. I too felt very alone in my addiction even though I was constantly around friends and family. I was a “lone wolf” addict and preferred it that way. The need to protect my secret kept me from using in front of other users and addicts. In my mind they could have told someone about me and I could not risk anyone finding out. Rehab did help me but you’re right it’s about how much you want it. I wanted it REALLY bad and it still took me a few times before I got it. I’m coming up on 3 years clean and sober and this platform is a welcome addition to my ongoing recovery.

  2. Trustjames Post author

    Yea exactly! i too stayed away from others who could potentially tell people about my secret. I was also a ‘lone wolf’ lol because no one else in my family has ever used drugs or had a problem with them. So my whole family was new to dealing with it, which i took advantage of because i could lie and stuff easier, since they didn’t really know much about how addicts work. But that was a double edged sword too because it distanced myself mentally from being part of them even more.
    And congrats on staying clean man!, we all have relapses or at least i have a had a few but yea its not about how many times you fall, only about how many times you get back up. The times i have relapses, its been the best case scenario for me which is: i did not enjoy it, it wasn’t fun, and i re-promise myself not to do it again, and learn what/why it happened and how to prevent it in the future,

  3. staroula

    that’s how he is living his life… thinking he’s successful because he is funktional.
    He would had been the man of my life if he didn’t use drugs…
    we would had been the most beautiful couple….

    Anyway,,,, it is what it is

    1. Trustjames Post author

      I know how you feel. I was married and lost my wife to drugs. We were so in love before, and never in my life was i ever as happy as when we were together. Funny enough this is what led me to start using them myself. I couldn’t handle living with the sadness and depression and loneliness. Anyways P.M. me if you need to talk. Sometimes it helps to share about your struggles and pain and stuff, at least it does for me.

  4. kittenmittens

    Congrats on being clean over a year! That’s a huge accomplishment 🙂 I think it’s really great that you were able to recover by having goals and realizing your life wasn’t going in the right direction.

  5. Trustjames Post author

    Yea it helped and I had alot of support and encouragement too so I can’t pretend to be stronger willed or better than others. In fact I feel undeserving of the easiness of my life. I was nothing rich more borderline middleclass and almost poor. But my family was there everytime I needed and my parents never touched a drug growing up or even liquor. Kids who grow up around drugs don’t know any other way of life and are the one of the strongest examples of ‘life is not fair.’