aaa Forums Recovery Loved Ones of Addicts Boyfriend Relapsed

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1 reply, 2 voices Last updated by  queto 2 months, 2 weeks ago
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  • #24569

    mkm6156
    Participant
    @mkm6156

    I’d just like advice on how to communicate better with my boyfriend.
    He is currently struggling through recovery and has been addicted to numerous drugs for about 10 years. He relapsed twice within the last two months. After the first one, I was hurt, angry and held resentment. I became paranoid and extremely anxious. I called out of work a few times just to stay home on the weekend and be around him to make sure he wasn’t leaving to use or using in our home. I would track his location via iPhone and it was making me absolutely crazy. I didn’t like who I was becoming.

    The second happened within a week, but I approached it much differently. I set aside my negative emotions and waited until he was sober again to talk it out. I asked him what he wanted to do.. what his next step would be. Did he truly want recovery for himself or is he doing this to please the people around him? He made his own plan of what steps he’d take next and assured me that he just wants to be “normal.”

    It’s been a month so far since.
    I’m finally doing things for myself again, for my own peace. Doing the things that I love and taking care of myself. I didn’t like who I became after the initial relapse. That’s not the person I’ve ever been. I’m not overbearing or controlling and I pride myself on hard work, so I’ve never been one to just skip out on my job.

    My question is.. how can I talk to him in a better, more productive way? I have so many questions and I just want to understand him and what’s happening. I want to know how I can better support him without enabling him. I want him to know that I’m here to listen and to support and that we’re a team without coming across as a controlling person. I also don’t want to ignore his mental health and carry on with our lives like everything is “normal.”

    #34573

    queto
    Participant
    @queto

    Personally, I think the best thing for you to do is to ask yourself
    1. Is he proactively trying to get better for himself?
    2. If he is, can you forgive and trust him?

    Relationships are built on trust, and if you can’t forgive and trust him again, then you may want to question if this is right for you right now. Being controlling over someone is not fun for either of y’all, and if he wants to use he will regardless of what you do. I am also in a relationship with a recovering addict, and I don’t think I could keep talking to him if I didn’t forgive him and trust him. I don’t know yet if this is a good choice, but for me this is a good start. I hope this was helpful.

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