Regardless of all the drugs I tried, nothing rocked my boat quite as crystal methamphetamine did. It was comparable to ecstasy in the intensity of euphoria, but it never lost its magic. I never developed much of a tolerance. It was cheap and worked every time I used it. Also, it had a different type of euphoria. While ecstasy euphoria made me love others, crystal methamphetamine filled me with self-love. It filled my void with an ego that would make Trump jealous. Also, there’s the route of administration. My favorite method of using crystal meth was to smoke it when smoked it would kick in nearly instantly. As soon as I blew out the cloud sparkles of confidence would overload my brain while my gut wrenched with excitement for even the most mundane state of existence. In these moments I would seal my covenant with the substance through affirmations that I would never give it up. I was the man at the alter making my vowes towards a drug, as crazy as that may sound, I wasn’t in a sane state of mind but a full-blown manic episode beyond comprehension.
What Does Crystal Methamphetamine Feel Like?
The first time I smoked crystal meth I didn’t get much from it because I didn’t know how to roll a bowl adequately. It was a skill I had to develop. The better I got at it, the more it became a ritual. I loved how the glass would cake around the bowl, and I could take it wherever I wanted. I felt the crystal meth pipe was like a magic wand that could make all feelings and forms of discomfort disappear.
Then there was the libido. I would get so aroused by even the thought of physical intimacy with a female that I would feel as though I was on the edge of bursting in my pants. The first time I shot up crystal methamphetamine, I did ejaculate inside of my pants. I would have an erection and able to masturbate for days on end with the ability to not cum until I wanted to. I would go to the edge of an orgasm and slow down for 10 seconds, then have the capacity to masturbate for another hour without pause. My ex got the same effect, and we would watch porn together for days-on-end. It would feel so amazing it was as if I was blacked out in another world. Looking back at what crystal methamphetamine turned me into I feel disgusted. My ex and I use to pride ourselves on how faithful we were, seven years without cheating. It took me and my ex’s value for self-preservation, threw it out the window, then fired a couple of 50 caliber rounds in its temple to ensure that it was dead. Not only did we want to cheat, but we would also verbally fantasize about cheating even if it was with someone we found unattractive. I wouldn’t be capable of stopping watching porn when I had other obligations. I would show up to those obligations 20 minutes late, smelling of lube, and covered in sweat. I was already going at it for 72 hours straight, what’s taking a break to shower and get ready to go out? I knew that. But I couldn’t stop, another 30 minutes was worth the embarrassment I was sure to face.
Crystal meth is a feeling that once you experience you can’t put out of your head. I would say it was without a doubt seven times greater than sex and made sex 15 times greater than it was when I was sober. I wish someone would have warned me about this. Crystal meth was, of course, demonized throughout my youth, but demonic things come in pretty packages. Crystal methamphetamine comes laced with beauty beyond comprehension. Once you feel it, forever will it linger even if only at the subconscious level. Does everyone get addicted their first time? I don’t believe that’s 100% guaranteed; some people aren’t genetically predisposed to the least. Though rare, even those that don’t get addicted their first time have to live with knowing that it’s out there waiting for them. Even years after my last meth high, I still find it easier to think I’ll never orgasm again than never smoke meth again. For people who’ve never tried meth I always say, “imagine never being aroused again by choice and being ok with that, but with crystal meth, it’s multitudes more difficult to accept.” The euphoria of crystal methamphetamine would make winning millions in a lottery seem like nothing. There’s no way you can ever feel that great again, ever.
You’ve been up for several days focused on porn. You start fiending and will do anything to obtain more. You search the floor loading specs of dust in the pipe for hours. You start wondering what you can sell at 3 am on craigslist if you price it cheap. The thought of sleep grosses you out, I even would get terrified to fall asleep and equated my fear of sleep to my fear of death. There was this itch in my brain that was like poison ivy at its peak. It’s one you have to scratch, or you’ll be the most restless you’ve ever been in your life. Part of what makes crystal methamphetamine so addictive is how cheap it is. For $90 you can get 1,000mg, and 20-50mg smoked is a good dose if the quality is decent. That means you’re getting 50-20 doses for only $90, where a single dose last for up to 12 hours. You can stretch $20 and will do anything to get it. You end up at the dope house multiple times with panhandler’s money, towards the end of your binge you’re peeking out the window of an apartment full of people with schizophrenia with guns laying around.
The Crystal Meth Comedown
At some point, in a position where you have no choice but to come off of the drug. This tidal wave of depression hits the second you accept the binge is over. You feel intense anxiety, all you want to do is sleep to avoid this terrible state, but the tension keeps you awake. You’re once starlight of confidence is replaced with racing thoughts of inadequacy. You’re restless, irritable, and extremely discontent no matter what you do. You have no appetite but force yourself to take a bite of food to try and ease the symptoms. Since you haven’t eaten in 7 days, your mouth is cracked and as soon as you bite down your mouth feels like a ton of mini-razorblades are cutting it up. When you manage to get food down, you feel nauseous.
There are waves of dizziness as if you’re about to faint. You most likely were sitting in awkward positions and not knowing it because your body was numb and stimulated. As a result, your bones ache beyond belief. Slight movements will cause severe cracking. You bend little ways and your spine cracks so much you feel as though it readjusted inside of your body. You feel dirty and disgusting from excessive sweating along with the lack of personal hygiene during the high. However, you can hardly gather the energy to take a shower. You look in the mirror, and your eyes are bulging out of your head. Your face is hard to recognize. It’s pale and appears to be sinking into itself. While you were high you hid from the world so no one could see how messed up you were, you continue to remain isolated because of how torn up you look. You feel enveloped in mental and physical pain beyond belief.
I would fight through this comedown. May times I swore never to do the drug again, even my first time where I barely felt that high. But I always came back to it. Whether it was days or weeks, I still rationalized escaping for a couple of days into the beauty of euphoria to emerge in an abyss of absolute dread. When I finally quit the drug for good, I felt as though a family member had died. It was like letting go of the son I never had. I had to take sobriety one day at a time just as I took using in my addiction. The only difference was instead of promising I would be sober someday I promised myself I would use crystal methamphetamine again eventually. To this day it’s hard to accept I’m done with crystal meth, even though I’m years sober. I find it difficult to verbalize to someone, “I will never smoke crystal meth again.” I still cling to the smallest glimpse of the possibility that I will roll that bowl in my hands one last time. I still regularly have dreams where I get my hands on it, and in the dream, I’m wondering why I ever let go of my one true love. I’ve gotten used to the dreams, but I use to wake up the same as with the dreams from my traumatic breakup. I would wake up sad that it was just a dream, that I wasn’t high on meth, and I would do anything to get that feeling back.
Philip Markoff (Associate of Science) is an online influencer and thought leader on addiction education; he is known as his alias “CG Kid” who’s obtained a large audience primarily on YouTube as a vlogger and journalist. His current sobriety date from polysubstance chemical dependency is June 9th, 2013.